Christian speaking. Two quick stories.
The Incompetent Husband: As many know, Eclipse just came out on DVD. As Kenna's husband, I feel that its my duty to try my best to surprise her with fun things when I can. As her family can attest, easier said than done. So I wanted to surprise her with Eclipse and I came up with a plan to throw her off my scent. The plan was this: on the day the package was supposed to arrive, I would call her from school and tell her that I had ordered a textbook for school but I wasn't sure if I had ordered the right edition. So I would then ask her to open the package when it arrived and check the table of contents to see if it had some made-up chapter. Not a terrible plan and I think it might have worked except for a few problems. One problem was my fault in that I didn't bring up the textbook until the day of, so she was naturally suspicious. The other problem was that when I asked her to look for a chapter, I told her to look for a chapter on renal surgery (as in kidney surgery), but she thought I said anal surgery which made her even more suspicious. Needless to say, the attempt to surprise her was unsuccessful.
The Incompetent Father: The other night Kenna had a Christmas party to go to for all the spouses of the students. That left me in charge at home and I only had one job: Give Felix a bath. Oscar was in bed so I didn't anticipate it to be very hard except that Felix always cries when bathed. Always. So I took him upstairs, filled up his tub, and took him into our room and got him down to his diaper. I took him into the bathroom and realized that I had a problem. Unlike Oscar, Felix can't stand on his own for me to take his diaper off. I was holding him on my shoulder with my forearm because my hands were a little cold (for those that don't know, Felix hates the cold in the same way that cats hate swimming). So I sneak my hands in and undo his diaper and drop it to the floor. That's when I notice that the diaper is poopy. Now I'm in real trouble because I have no where to put him. So I turn him around so his back is on my chest and I pull his legs up to his chin so his little bottom is poking outwards. I go back into our room and get out the wipes and try to clean him in that position. It takes about two seconds for me to get poop all over my arm and unbeknown to me, my shirt. The diaper is much worse than I anticipated and it takes a whole lot of wipes. Eventually its all cleaned up and he gets his bath. The only amazing thing about the whole process is that he never cried. Not once. I am an amazing dad.
This is my shirt that I somehow didn't notice until I got to school to study with a group of people. Kenna noticed it but for some reason she didn't say anything because she thought I had been playing with markers. Why an adult of 27 years would be playing with markers on his shirt after the kids are in bed is beyond me. But to her credit, when my study group asked what was on my shirt, I just told them I had been playing with markers.
